Writing on the gym wall – Musings from the Cardio Pulpit

Posted: January 21, 2014 in Fitness
Tags: , , , ,


Day 6 of the 30 day Squat Challenge and still going strong.  75 squats today and my legs are quivering in anticipation…

I start today’s work out like every other work out.  Pandora in my ear, elliptical machine set to “fat burn” and timer set for 30 mins.  I jump up on my perch and set the cruise.  With in minutes the sweat is beading on my face and my mind begins to wander.  My eyes are searching… searching… then BOOM.  I have a target.  It’s time for me to mentally make fun of the jackwagons I see trolling around the gym equipment.  Today was a JACKPOT of subject matter… oh where to begin ?

I think I will start with a collective observation.  I was at the gym by 6pm today and that must be a peak time. It seems as though this is a good time for the muscle-heads to congregate.  I can’t prove it just yet, but I suspect it might have something to do with the fact that there are also a couple fitness classes going on at this time and lots of pretty women walking around.  There was no shortage of flexing and flirting to be seen. The first thing that jumped out at me today was the obscene amount guys sporting black shirts.  Particularly the wife beater variety.  I counted 13 black shirts in all, with 8 of them being tank tops and 4 of them normal T’s.  The other peculiar aspect was that 10 of said 13 shirts were Under Armor brand.  Santa must have found a deal on these because I never saw that much stretchy material in one place in my life.  It looked like a Pauly D convention.

Ok, enough of that.  Here is the fun part for me.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I love TV and I love movies.  A by-product of this addiction is that I have a habit of seeing regular people and then comparing their facial profiles to the bank of celebrity images I have stored in my head.  Sometimes I am spot on.. and sometimes not so much, but none the less I do this often and I can’t control it.  Today I will share with you a few that I got stuck in my head and see if they make you smile like they did me.  You will have to take my word for it though, because I don’t have pics of the actual people to compare.. just use your imagination.


For my fellow readers that go to the same gym, you may recognize this guy.  Actually, I am counting on it.  This dude is at the gym ALL-THE-TIME.  I go at sporadic times and I am not kidding when I tell you, this cat is there every single time I go.  He’s a tall guy and almost always has a 5 o’clock shadow.  He walks around like he has a smoothie shoved up his ass.  His chest is always out and he’s always looking in the mirror.  What I find odd though, is that a guy like this should be ripped to shreds.  But he’s not.  He seems to gravitate to other muscular guys at the gym.. maybe he thinks by association he’ll start to look like them, I don’t know.  I will round out my description of him like this..

He’s tall and kind of dorky looking.  Almost always has a baseball hat on and if he’s not wearing sweat pants, he is wearing basketball shorts with knee socks, either black or white.  Yes, I said knee socks.  It must be a new thing, because I have seen them on other guys.  However, in my humble (judgemental) opinion.. they look silly.  If you still haven’t pulled together a good visual image let me help you.  If I had to pick a celebrity look alike I would  tell you to think of a cross between Ross from Friends and Alfred E Neuman:

Ross and Alfred


Another regular that I often see is subject #2.  This guy is actually in pretty decent shape.  He’s a big guy with big guns and shoulders.  He seems pretty quiet and tends to go about his business and doesn’t really bother anyone.  He doesn’t annoy me like Ross Neuman above.. but I have to say that every damn time I see him I think of the combo that I will reveal below.  This guy almost always wears a baseball hat as well.  I am pretty sure I only ever see him in a wife-beater too.  He’s not a flashy Under Armour guy either.  He’s just a big guy, with zombie pale skin, glasses and a baseball hat.  I have to repeat it though.. the dude is big.  He’s been at the work out game a while.  You are all gonna either laugh or hate me when I tell you who I think he looks like.  But here goes… Do you all remember the TV show Life Goes On from back in the 90’s?  How about Lou Ferrigno and his days as the Hulk ?  Yep, you guessed it :

Corky Hulk



Ok.. my last one for the day.  This guy is new to me.  I am going to assume that he’s either a resolution guy or just one that I got lucky with tonight.  Nothing particularly special about this one other than he has an uncanny resemblance to a famous Movie actor from the 80’s.  What caught my eye first though was his long-ish hair and his red head band.  This threw me off and I had to do a double take.  A head band?  What GUY wears a head band other than maybe LeBron James or other NBA pros?  If you are going to sport a head band to the gym in 2014, I would expect you to at least look like this guy:


and not this guy: dork

Well anyway.. dude was wearing a RED head band and a shirt with the sleeves cut off.  He was also wearing knee socks, like my man (Subject 1).  On a normal day that would be enough to make me laugh all by itself.  But today I couldn’t shake the vision of his celebrity look alike.  All I kept seeing was THIS GUY:


Yes, Mr. Emilio Estevez!  No kidding.. I shit you not.. this guy was a spitting image.

I will leave you all with this.. I know that I am far from perfect.  I am simply sharing with you some of the thoughts that come crashing through my mind and I am hoping that at least some of them will make you laugh.

Can YOU think of anyone in your life that causes you to think of a celebrity?  Someone that resembles someone famous and no matter how hard you try, you can’t shake it?  Let me know about it if you do, because I know I am not the only one with this special power!


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