Posts Tagged ‘humor’


Welcome to the Jungle starts blasting on the alarm clock and I roll over to smack it quiet…again… I am tired.  Being a hardcore Bad Ass 24/7 is grueling work.

I roll out of bed and get dressed for work.  The wife says “honey, what are you doing?”. “I’m going to get shit done baby, go back to sleep.” “Please be careful out there babe.” “Mmmhmm, always do.”

The kitchen is dark as the sun is just peeking over the horizon.  I don’t want to wake my kids so I throw my breakfast together in the dim light.  Making my breakfast of champions can be done with my eyes closed anyway.. so no worries.  “What the F..?” Why do my kids always put the Lucky Charms box back EMPTY?, I think to myself. “Damn it… now I have to go to plan B.”  I’m running out of time anyway, I’ll just resort to a protein shake and get my ass on the road.

In the corner of my eye I see a flash of movement.  I dart to the corner of the kitchen closest to the exit door so I have a clear view of the back yard.  “Son of a BITCH”, I whisper angrily.  That God damned squirrel with the half tail is dangling from my bird feeder again.  Lumping him up with pellets from my son’s air rifle didn’t do the trick.. maybe he’s the Bad Ass of the squirrel population in my neighborhood.

Well today his shit ends.  He picked the wrong day to mess with THIS suburban Bad Ass mother fucker.  Without hesitation I slip my hand into the closet and pull my tactical 12 gage from the hidden compartment behind the jackets and then take aim.  “Good bye tree rat!”  Then I see my neighbors back light flicker on.  “Balls!” I empty the chamber and put the boom-stick back in its proper place.  I didn’t want to obliterate my Pottery Barn feeder anyway.

Now what to do?  My silenced 9mm is in the bedroom, my crossbow is in the garage and I’m running out of time.  I look over to the kitchen counter and I see my blender with only a half serving of protein powder in its base.  This day is starting off splendidly.  I ordered my protein a week ago.. my new canister should be here… grrrr.. I’ll have to deal with the GNC asshats another time.

Ok.. this is getting stupid now.  I have to be on the road in 10 mins to beat the traffic, otherwise I will have to kill someone before I get to work.  I do not have time to deal with disposing of another body and risk being late.  My job is too important and the world cannot survive if I am late.

Another flash of movement distracts me and this time I hear the clang of my hanging feeder swinging wildly back and forth because that piece of shit squirrel is still at it.  This has to be done quickly and quietly, but if I do this right I can solve my protein problem as well as dispose of that tree rat all in one shot.

I decide to go with “shock n maul”, because that’s what Bad Asses do.  I blast through the back door and make for the feeder.  I know this dumb ass squirrel isn’t moving because he thinks he’s at Brazilian bird seed house. Plus we have already established he’s tough as is apparent from the bald patches on his ass from my Daisy Pellet Gun wounds.  And let’s not forget his lack of 4 inches of tail.

When I get close enough to strike he freezes.  His nub is twitching like some kind of rodent semaphore.  Too late asshole, you will not be calling in support for this mission.  One more step and he’s mine…. Then it happens.

He pops his head up above the roof of the feeder and looks at me. Check that.. he’s mean mugging me!  This little bastard is the Dirty Harry of the vermin world.  If he could talk he would give me the “Make my day” line.. I am sure of it.  No matter, today is “don’t fuck with me Tuesday” and he’s out of time.  I slap the base of the feeder to spin his ass around then I grab him by the nape of the neck and hold him up at eye level.

This is where you would probably expect me to give him some drawn out speech.  Tell him how he just done fucked up and now he’s got to pay.  Nah, no time. Remember the potential murder on the highway if I don’t get moving.. I just cold cock him and …. “oh no..”

My daughter is standing in the kitchen rubbing her eyes.  There is no way she saw me.. Please!  I walk into the kitchen and she sees me right away… I am praying at this point she doesn’t see the bulge in my back pocket where poor old Rocky is resting in peace.  “Daddy, what are you doing outside?” “Sweetie, I was just fixing a problem” (because I don’t lie to my Daughter, it’s way more Bad Ass to tell a half-truth than an easy lie).  “I am thirsty Daddy.” Oh thank you Lord, she didn’t see me.  I get her a drink and send her back to bed.

Time check! Shit.. 3 minutes until the Highway to Hell becomes pure mayhem. Now this is where the weak people will cringe.  Tree huggers everywhere will shutter at the thought of what I am about to do.  PETA would lock me up on sight, but I really don’t give a shit.  It’s GO TIME and I’m a Bad Ass remember?  Into the blender Rocky.. I need to make up that protein somewhere.



Day 6 of the 30 day Squat Challenge and still going strong.  75 squats today and my legs are quivering in anticipation…

I start today’s work out like every other work out.  Pandora in my ear, elliptical machine set to “fat burn” and timer set for 30 mins.  I jump up on my perch and set the cruise.  With in minutes the sweat is beading on my face and my mind begins to wander.  My eyes are searching… searching… then BOOM.  I have a target.  It’s time for me to mentally make fun of the jackwagons I see trolling around the gym equipment.  Today was a JACKPOT of subject matter… oh where to begin ?

I think I will start with a collective observation.  I was at the gym by 6pm today and that must be a peak time. It seems as though this is a good time for the muscle-heads to congregate.  I can’t prove it just yet, but I suspect it might have something to do with the fact that there are also a couple fitness classes going on at this time and lots of pretty women walking around.  There was no shortage of flexing and flirting to be seen. The first thing that jumped out at me today was the obscene amount guys sporting black shirts.  Particularly the wife beater variety.  I counted 13 black shirts in all, with 8 of them being tank tops and 4 of them normal T’s.  The other peculiar aspect was that 10 of said 13 shirts were Under Armor brand.  Santa must have found a deal on these because I never saw that much stretchy material in one place in my life.  It looked like a Pauly D convention.

Ok, enough of that.  Here is the fun part for me.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I love TV and I love movies.  A by-product of this addiction is that I have a habit of seeing regular people and then comparing their facial profiles to the bank of celebrity images I have stored in my head.  Sometimes I am spot on.. and sometimes not so much, but none the less I do this often and I can’t control it.  Today I will share with you a few that I got stuck in my head and see if they make you smile like they did me.  You will have to take my word for it though, because I don’t have pics of the actual people to compare.. just use your imagination.


For my fellow readers that go to the same gym, you may recognize this guy.  Actually, I am counting on it.  This dude is at the gym ALL-THE-TIME.  I go at sporadic times and I am not kidding when I tell you, this cat is there every single time I go.  He’s a tall guy and almost always has a 5 o’clock shadow.  He walks around like he has a smoothie shoved up his ass.  His chest is always out and he’s always looking in the mirror.  What I find odd though, is that a guy like this should be ripped to shreds.  But he’s not.  He seems to gravitate to other muscular guys at the gym.. maybe he thinks by association he’ll start to look like them, I don’t know.  I will round out my description of him like this..

He’s tall and kind of dorky looking.  Almost always has a baseball hat on and if he’s not wearing sweat pants, he is wearing basketball shorts with knee socks, either black or white.  Yes, I said knee socks.  It must be a new thing, because I have seen them on other guys.  However, in my humble (judgemental) opinion.. they look silly.  If you still haven’t pulled together a good visual image let me help you.  If I had to pick a celebrity look alike I would  tell you to think of a cross between Ross from Friends and Alfred E Neuman:

Ross and Alfred


Another regular that I often see is subject #2.  This guy is actually in pretty decent shape.  He’s a big guy with big guns and shoulders.  He seems pretty quiet and tends to go about his business and doesn’t really bother anyone.  He doesn’t annoy me like Ross Neuman above.. but I have to say that every damn time I see him I think of the combo that I will reveal below.  This guy almost always wears a baseball hat as well.  I am pretty sure I only ever see him in a wife-beater too.  He’s not a flashy Under Armour guy either.  He’s just a big guy, with zombie pale skin, glasses and a baseball hat.  I have to repeat it though.. the dude is big.  He’s been at the work out game a while.  You are all gonna either laugh or hate me when I tell you who I think he looks like.  But here goes… Do you all remember the TV show Life Goes On from back in the 90’s?  How about Lou Ferrigno and his days as the Hulk ?  Yep, you guessed it :

Corky Hulk



Ok.. my last one for the day.  This guy is new to me.  I am going to assume that he’s either a resolution guy or just one that I got lucky with tonight.  Nothing particularly special about this one other than he has an uncanny resemblance to a famous Movie actor from the 80’s.  What caught my eye first though was his long-ish hair and his red head band.  This threw me off and I had to do a double take.  A head band?  What GUY wears a head band other than maybe LeBron James or other NBA pros?  If you are going to sport a head band to the gym in 2014, I would expect you to at least look like this guy:


and not this guy: dork

Well anyway.. dude was wearing a RED head band and a shirt with the sleeves cut off.  He was also wearing knee socks, like my man (Subject 1).  On a normal day that would be enough to make me laugh all by itself.  But today I couldn’t shake the vision of his celebrity look alike.  All I kept seeing was THIS GUY:


Yes, Mr. Emilio Estevez!  No kidding.. I shit you not.. this guy was a spitting image.

I will leave you all with this.. I know that I am far from perfect.  I am simply sharing with you some of the thoughts that come crashing through my mind and I am hoping that at least some of them will make you laugh.

Can YOU think of anyone in your life that causes you to think of a celebrity?  Someone that resembles someone famous and no matter how hard you try, you can’t shake it?  Let me know about it if you do, because I know I am not the only one with this special power!


What kind of gym monkey are you?  Are you one of those flirty, chatty types that do more networking at the gym than you do moving weights around?  How about that dude that is all business with his work out garb and ear buds slinging the dumb bells like his life depended on it? Let me state that whatever kind of gym monkey you are, you have at least some of my respect for just being there.  Actually getting your ass through the front door scores some points.. kudos to you.

Back on point!

What kind of gym monkey am I, you ask?  Oh boy, you might not want to know.  I am the guy who goes to the gym because I feel I have to.  Gone are the days where going to the gym was fun and something I wanted to do.  I go now because I have 3 small children and a beautiful wife and I have crested the 40 mark.  I now go because I want to be able to keep up with my kids as they grow and be fit enough to scare away the boys when they come to see my daughter. If the boys get bigger and stronger than me .. I have other methods of keeping them in check..(so those reading, don’t get any ideas).  I mention my wife, because she is a fitness freak of nature (by my standards).  She stays is good shape and she never seems to age, so I figure I gotta try and keep up so she doesn’t kick my ass to the curb.

Cardio Section OverviewSince going to the gym is more of a chore than enjoyable pleasure, I need to find ways to keep my head in the game.  One way that seems to work for me is working the Cardio Judgment Stand!  What the hell is that?  That is where I jump up on my cardio perch du jour, slap on my headphones and start sweating.  While I am up there I need to stay focused on something so I don’t lose my motivation and cut my circuit short.. so instead of watching one of the mounted TVs.. I just look around the gym.  I mean c’mon guys..there is an endless amount of writing material right there in front of me.

I call it the “judgment stand” because from my superior tactical vantage point I can see almost the entire gym and all of its subjects.  In just 30 minutes you can survey the whole place and cast judgment on just about everyone!  I thought it would be fun to describe some of my favorite gym types for you here.  I want to make one small disclaimer.  Any of my friends who decide to read this are safe.  Even if you are a member at the same sweat shop.. please do not read into any of these next paragraphs thinking, “OMG.. he’s talking about ME”.  If you think I am, it is purely coincidence.  If you have a guilty conscience.. I can’t help that.. pull your big boy/girl yoga pants on and get over it!

Ok.. let’s get started..

#1.  Mr. (or Ms.) Hardcore – metro-sexual gym rat:

These guys are usually hardcore douchebags as well.  The one in particular that I am thinking about always comes to the gym dressed in his best work out clothes.  Color coordinated of course.  Never without at least one and often two Under Armour items.  Complete with some kind of beanie cap, long flowing hair, tightly trimmed facial hair and an obnoxious set of over ear headphones .

Why is he a douchebag you ask?  Jeeze, can’t a guy come to the gym dressed nice?  Sure, I don’t have a problem with that per se.   What bugs me about this type is that he is so damned obvious about it.  The guy’s in good shape and he knows it.  He walks around with a dumbbell shoved up his ass, carries his big bottle of water and gym bag with his wrist wraps and chalk and shit and acts like he runs the joint.  He also flaunts his douchebaggery when he flirts with the women in the gym.  Again, no style points here.. just walks up to girls on the treadmill or on a weight machine, props one of his neon colored sneaker on something close by and turns on the cheese.

Kind of reminds me of this guy: douchbag









ToothBrush#2. Mr. (or Ms.) Hardcore – muscle-head gym rat:

This is the more traditional “gym rat”.  Mostly guys in this category and that’s ok by me because good LORD I don’t think I could handle too many women that could bench press me.  You don’t see a LOT of these guys at my establishment.  I think that is because my gym is actually called an “athletic club”.  None the less we have some metal benders here too… or at least some wannabes.

I used to work at a gym in my hometown that was a hardcore bodybuilding gym.  Lots of dudes with thighs thicker than my waist.  Guys that can bench press 400+ lbs and squat every fucking plate in the gym.  If you ever come across one of these monsters .. you will know it.  They can be identified by any combo of the following traits:

–          Their head runs almost directly into their shoulders (or delts as they refer to them).  No neck to speak of

–          They often have zits on their back and arms that are bigger than most of our biceps

–          They will travel with chalk, wrist wraps, knee wraps, some kind of protein drink

–          They often smell like eggs or decomposed chicken from all the amino farts

–          They grunt, bark, growl, scream, fart, burp and that is before they get behind the weights

–          They will rarely “place” the weights down, almost always dropping or throwing them

–          Many times you will catch them walking on their tip toes with their chest out and arms swaying at least 4 inches away from their body due to the lats protruding from their body.  My wife thinks the tip toe thing is due to tight hamstrings due to poor stretching technique..but who am I to make assumptions

This is not to say that all these guys are asshats.  I have met some very very cool bodybuilders.  The Steroid rage thing seems to be overblown in my opinion.

Make-Up-Girls-at-Gym#3. Ms Yoga Aerobic Foo Foo:

The ladies probably thought I was going to spare them… WRONG.  I have to admit that at my place most of the women are cool and do not fit a particular stereotype.  However I would be remiss if I didn’t call upon the gaggle of women who come to the gym dressed to the nines to do their thing.  You see, to me.. the gym is a place where you come to sweat and hurt yourself.  I want to be as comfortable as possible if I am going to do this to myself.  I can’t imagine putting make up on and crystallizing my hair before the torture.

And while I am at it, let me say this.  If you are going to come to the gym in skin tight yoga pants or a sports bra that is so tight I can see your goosebumps through the fabric, then please do not give me the stink eye if you catch me staring at you.  You can’t be selective as to who gawks when you come dressed to impress.

(other reads: interesting perspective on what not to wear to the gym found here:

Similar Blog with funny perspective:

Trainer-600x320#4. The Tough guy:

Ok.. this one is interesting to me.  I have seen all ages and all sizes fit this mold.  This is a guy who is typically in pretty good shape and knows his way around the gym.  This knucklehead can be either very good looking to boot or ugly as sin.  No in-betweens.  What they both have in common though is usually a noticeable physique and an attitude that just plain sucks.  This is the asshole that will not smile and will not engage in a conversation more than 2-3 words at a time.  They will give you the stink eye from hell if you walk between them and the mirror or you even think about sitting on the bench they are using in-between sets.

One time I was in a hurry because my kids are like ticking time bombs and I needed to get them out of the gym day care and home to eat dinner.  I saw this Tough Guy dipshit monopolizing two pulley machines.  All I wanted to do was 3 sets of tricep pushdowns and get out.  I asked the guy while he was resting if I can jump in real-quick and he just looked at me.  Seconds go by… still just looking.  I even did that thing your golden retriever does when it cocks its head to the side..looking at you all stupid-like to see if that would elicit a response.. nothing.  So I asked again and even threw a please in there.  He finally just put his ear buds back in and said…. “no”.

That’s ok though, I am pretty sure that karma will come back to bite him in the glutes someday.

Check out a funny pic that is fairly accurate to what I describe above:

#5. The NOOB:

The noob is anyone who is brand new to the gym atmosphere and equipment.  This poor bastard (man or woman) is easily picked out of a crowd.  If their look of bewilderment doesn’t tip you off it’s probably going to be their blatant misuse of gym equipment.

Take this guy/girl for instance:

Nuff said!

There are most likely others that I am not able to recall right now.. that is primarily because I am anxious about heading over to the gym tonight to do day 2 of the stupid squat challenge.  My legs are all jittery as I sit here and type.. I have no idea how I will manage to get 55 squats done.. maybe if I do 55 sets of 1?

I am not really one for New Year resolutions, I am more of an impulse kind of guy.  So for me, going to the gym is not a big deal because my wife and I try to make it part of our weekly routine anyway.  That said, I do find it funny how the gym population explodes at this time of year.  It must be a common occurrence around the world because I have found many places on the internet that make fun of this phenomena.

For example:



postcard gym

Our gym is no different.  I saw more new faces last night than I had all year.  It must be good to be a Gym owner in December – February!

If you are a FaceBooker.. you should check out the myriad of fitness focused pages that are out there.  One of my favorites is “Gym Memes”.  This page is a tribute to body building and working out in general..but it is slanted to the hardcore guys and gals.  I haven’t found much real value to the page other than it makes me laugh on a lot of different levels.  Some of the videos and pics are not safe for work, so becareful when you browse..but if you don’t find yourself laughing out loud at some of this stuff then it’s not for you.

Anyway, my motivation to write today was based on last night’s gym experience.  I had taken a little holiday vacation from working out.  I haven’t been on the inside since Thanksgiving actually.  Any of you who are exercise freaks know that after a long layoff.. the first week is HELL.  I know this, but since I am stupid, I decided to make it extra challenging and start my first day back with the 30 day squat challenge.

This is particularly stupid because I am one of those guys who absolutely hates to work legs.  So any kind of focus on my lower body is going to be extra painful the next few days.  The only saving grace that I may have is that I have been pretty damn regular with my cardio over the past 6 months or so, so I am hoping that will ease the carnage.

The 30 day squat challenge came to me as a suggestion from a good friend.  Well, she was a good friend until about 9pm last night.  That was when I lost feeling in my quads and my ass cheeks began to feel like they were run through the spin cycle with a cinderblock.  This wonderful little “challenge” is nothing more than a sadistic walk through the park.  It starts with day 1 which requires you to do 50 squats.  You progress each day doing 5 more until the 4th day which you rest.  It continues to go up from there (including your rest days) until day 30 in which you are supposed to do 250!

All I can say is WTF.  I can’t imagine that being possible, but I’m going to try.  This will be akin to holding your hand over a flame.. see how long you can keep it there before you quit.  Right now the Vegas odds have the over/under set at 1 week… we shall see.  If I can stick with it though, my ass better be like rock when I am done.  I also hope this fuels me to keep my legs in a weekly routine so I never look like this guy:

leg day