Posts Tagged ‘workout’

gogoIt’s 3pm.. I am hitting that late afternoon wall at work.  I am totally not looking forward to my hour long drive home.  It’s the commute of death… 30 plus miles of cursing and finger flipping with the occasional good song on the radio to take my mind off murder.

I know I have to hit the gym before I head home but my brain just keeps saying… “SKIP, SKIP, SKIP…”

But wait a God Damned minute… I know what to do!  There is no way I can let myself skip another head bumping, Cancer preventing, muscle building, fat burning session at my favorite sweat shop… I run to the water cooler and grab a bottle of water.. I know what is waiting for me in my car… and I’ll be ready.

Quittin time rolls around and I pile into my Jeep.  I turn on my Sirius rotation to get my head in the game and I reach into my gym bag.  I pull out a zip lock bag with this beautiful pearly white powder all nestled in the corner of the bag.. in perfect pour position.  I dump the bottle of water into my shaker cup and then quickly dump the contents of the baggie.  I have to hold my breath though because I hate the smell of this shit.. makes me want to gag every time..but trust me, it’s worth it.

I shake the shit out of this stuff, because I hate that gritty residue that most powder supplements leave in your mouth.  Then I pop the lid and to my surprise (every time) the lid pops like a soda can.  Whatever is in this stuff has got pop from the second you finish shaking.  I never was a chugging expert.. in college I would be on the verge of puking every time I tried.  That said, this stuff tastes so nasty to me, I have no problem.  I unhinge my jaw like an Anaconda and pour this stuff right into my gut.

Ok, so by now you are probably thinking.. why the hell would he drink this stuff if it tastes like shit and doesn’t fully dissolve when shaking it?  Be patient my friends.. read on.

The directions say that a full serving is 2 scoops.  I don’t want to take changes being old and all.. you know, 41 years old is practically geriatric by gym standards.  So I go with 1 scoop to start.  Actually now, I am up to 1.5 and that seems to be perfect.  Says to wait 30-45 mins after guzzling to start your work out.  No problem there, I have at least that much on the highway to hell.

Approx 7 mins in… one of my favorite tunes comes on the radio and by now.. my cheeks are starting to feel warm.  I know that next up is usually my ears.  When they start to tingle like someone just hooked up the battery cables.. its GO TIME!

By the time I pull into the gym lot I am so amped up that I am practically sprinting to the locker room.  Imagine you have that super urgency to take a shit and you are running to get your pants down before your ass explodes… well it’s kind of like that.. I just thought that was funny.

Anyway, back on topic.  By now I am fumbling with my phone to get Pandora turned on, get my shorts and shirt on to hit the cardio.  I wanna get on that damn elliptical before this stuff wears off because I know that just an hour ago I was dreaming of my couch and another episode of whatever I DVR’d over the weekend.  Ok Ok… Im ready to ROC… ah..shit.. shorts are on backwards!!

Needless to say, in all seriousness.. I am happy I have discovered Pre-Workout supplements.  I don’t know if they are all safe or not, but the way I look at it is that it keeps me motivated and gets me to the gym.  When I am there I am amped up through my entire workout and it’s pushing me farther than I would go if I didn’t take a thing.  So for now, it’s my savior.  Hopefully I won’t burn out on the stuff, because it’s really keeping me positive in the sweat factory.

gym-monkey

What kind of gym monkey are you?  Are you one of those flirty, chatty types that do more networking at the gym than you do moving weights around?  How about that dude that is all business with his work out garb and ear buds slinging the dumb bells like his life depended on it? Let me state that whatever kind of gym monkey you are, you have at least some of my respect for just being there.  Actually getting your ass through the front door scores some points.. kudos to you.

Back on point!

What kind of gym monkey am I, you ask?  Oh boy, you might not want to know.  I am the guy who goes to the gym because I feel I have to.  Gone are the days where going to the gym was fun and something I wanted to do.  I go now because I have 3 small children and a beautiful wife and I have crested the 40 mark.  I now go because I want to be able to keep up with my kids as they grow and be fit enough to scare away the boys when they come to see my daughter. If the boys get bigger and stronger than me .. I have other methods of keeping them in check..(so those reading, don’t get any ideas).  I mention my wife, because she is a fitness freak of nature (by my standards).  She stays is good shape and she never seems to age, so I figure I gotta try and keep up so she doesn’t kick my ass to the curb.

Cardio Section OverviewSince going to the gym is more of a chore than enjoyable pleasure, I need to find ways to keep my head in the game.  One way that seems to work for me is working the Cardio Judgment Stand!  What the hell is that?  That is where I jump up on my cardio perch du jour, slap on my headphones and start sweating.  While I am up there I need to stay focused on something so I don’t lose my motivation and cut my circuit short.. so instead of watching one of the mounted TVs.. I just look around the gym.  I mean c’mon guys..there is an endless amount of writing material right there in front of me.

I call it the “judgment stand” because from my superior tactical vantage point I can see almost the entire gym and all of its subjects.  In just 30 minutes you can survey the whole place and cast judgment on just about everyone!  I thought it would be fun to describe some of my favorite gym types for you here.  I want to make one small disclaimer.  Any of my friends who decide to read this are safe.  Even if you are a member at the same sweat shop.. please do not read into any of these next paragraphs thinking, “OMG.. he’s talking about ME”.  If you think I am, it is purely coincidence.  If you have a guilty conscience.. I can’t help that.. pull your big boy/girl yoga pants on and get over it!

Ok.. let’s get started..

#1.  Mr. (or Ms.) Hardcore – metro-sexual gym rat:

These guys are usually hardcore douchebags as well.  The one in particular that I am thinking about always comes to the gym dressed in his best work out clothes.  Color coordinated of course.  Never without at least one and often two Under Armour items.  Complete with some kind of beanie cap, long flowing hair, tightly trimmed facial hair and an obnoxious set of over ear headphones .

Why is he a douchebag you ask?  Jeeze, can’t a guy come to the gym dressed nice?  Sure, I don’t have a problem with that per se.   What bugs me about this type is that he is so damned obvious about it.  The guy’s in good shape and he knows it.  He walks around with a dumbbell shoved up his ass, carries his big bottle of water and gym bag with his wrist wraps and chalk and shit and acts like he runs the joint.  He also flaunts his douchebaggery when he flirts with the women in the gym.  Again, no style points here.. just walks up to girls on the treadmill or on a weight machine, props one of his neon colored sneaker on something close by and turns on the cheese.

Kind of reminds me of this guy: douchbag

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ToothBrush#2. Mr. (or Ms.) Hardcore – muscle-head gym rat:

This is the more traditional “gym rat”.  Mostly guys in this category and that’s ok by me because good LORD I don’t think I could handle too many women that could bench press me.  You don’t see a LOT of these guys at my establishment.  I think that is because my gym is actually called an “athletic club”.  None the less we have some metal benders here too… or at least some wannabes.

I used to work at a gym in my hometown that was a hardcore bodybuilding gym.  Lots of dudes with thighs thicker than my waist.  Guys that can bench press 400+ lbs and squat every fucking plate in the gym.  If you ever come across one of these monsters .. you will know it.  They can be identified by any combo of the following traits:

–          Their head runs almost directly into their shoulders (or delts as they refer to them).  No neck to speak of

–          They often have zits on their back and arms that are bigger than most of our biceps

–          They will travel with chalk, wrist wraps, knee wraps, some kind of protein drink

–          They often smell like eggs or decomposed chicken from all the amino farts

–          They grunt, bark, growl, scream, fart, burp and that is before they get behind the weights

–          They will rarely “place” the weights down, almost always dropping or throwing them

–          Many times you will catch them walking on their tip toes with their chest out and arms swaying at least 4 inches away from their body due to the lats protruding from their body.  My wife thinks the tip toe thing is due to tight hamstrings due to poor stretching technique..but who am I to make assumptions

This is not to say that all these guys are asshats.  I have met some very very cool bodybuilders.  The Steroid rage thing seems to be overblown in my opinion.

Make-Up-Girls-at-Gym#3. Ms Yoga Aerobic Foo Foo:

The ladies probably thought I was going to spare them… WRONG.  I have to admit that at my place most of the women are cool and do not fit a particular stereotype.  However I would be remiss if I didn’t call upon the gaggle of women who come to the gym dressed to the nines to do their thing.  You see, to me.. the gym is a place where you come to sweat and hurt yourself.  I want to be as comfortable as possible if I am going to do this to myself.  I can’t imagine putting make up on and crystallizing my hair before the torture.

And while I am at it, let me say this.  If you are going to come to the gym in skin tight yoga pants or a sports bra that is so tight I can see your goosebumps through the fabric, then please do not give me the stink eye if you catch me staring at you.  You can’t be selective as to who gawks when you come dressed to impress.

(other reads: interesting perspective on what not to wear to the gym found here: http://www.mamamia.com.au/health-wellbeing/what-not-to-wear-at-the-gym/

Similar Blog with funny perspective: http://www.realliferealityblog.com/2012/05/stupid-things-people-do-in-gym-good.html)

Trainer-600x320#4. The Tough guy:

Ok.. this one is interesting to me.  I have seen all ages and all sizes fit this mold.  This is a guy who is typically in pretty good shape and knows his way around the gym.  This knucklehead can be either very good looking to boot or ugly as sin.  No in-betweens.  What they both have in common though is usually a noticeable physique and an attitude that just plain sucks.  This is the asshole that will not smile and will not engage in a conversation more than 2-3 words at a time.  They will give you the stink eye from hell if you walk between them and the mirror or you even think about sitting on the bench they are using in-between sets.

One time I was in a hurry because my kids are like ticking time bombs and I needed to get them out of the gym day care and home to eat dinner.  I saw this Tough Guy dipshit monopolizing two pulley machines.  All I wanted to do was 3 sets of tricep pushdowns and get out.  I asked the guy while he was resting if I can jump in real-quick and he just looked at me.  Seconds go by… still just looking.  I even did that thing your golden retriever does when it cocks its head to the side..looking at you all stupid-like to see if that would elicit a response.. nothing.  So I asked again and even threw a please in there.  He finally just put his ear buds back in and said…. “no”.

That’s ok though, I am pretty sure that karma will come back to bite him in the glutes someday.

Check out a funny pic that is fairly accurate to what I describe above: http://yepyep.gibbs12.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/typical-douchebag.jpg

#5. The NOOB:

The noob is anyone who is brand new to the gym atmosphere and equipment.  This poor bastard (man or woman) is easily picked out of a crowd.  If their look of bewilderment doesn’t tip you off it’s probably going to be their blatant misuse of gym equipment.

Take this guy/girl for instance:

Nuff said!

There are most likely others that I am not able to recall right now.. that is primarily because I am anxious about heading over to the gym tonight to do day 2 of the stupid squat challenge.  My legs are all jittery as I sit here and type.. I have no idea how I will manage to get 55 squats done.. maybe if I do 55 sets of 1?